Blackberries and Wheat

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This weekend i took my first solo trip back home. Sure, i’ve made the drive so many times i could probably make it in my sleep, but i had never made it alone.


My mothers reaction was sheer panic.
. Image result for panic gifImage result for panic gif

She was convinced that a trucker was going to kidnap me.


My fathers was

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I set out after work Friday night and with the help of three monsters, an audio book and a half, and my jams i made it home as the sun was peeping in my rearview mirror.


Why was i making a sojourn at that time of night? You see, my brother married his sweetheart April in July for all time and eternity in the Portland Temple. I was blessed enough to be able to witness their sealing inside the Temple. There were no dry eyes in our immediate family as we gained an amazing woman with her daughters into our family. We watched as our brother and son kneeled across the altar to make sacred promises with his bride. My brothers life has not been an easy one and to see the joy and love in his eyes was a blessing beyond words.


So, naturally, they had their reception a month later. I wasn’t able to get the time off from work and i was pretty bummed. My Mom called me on Friday and was telling me how sad my brother was because none of his siblings would be at his reception.


Challenge accepted.


This last weekend was a whirlwind, but i learned two valuable lessons that i’d like to share with you.

Blackberries

Late Summer in Oregon always means blackberries. The biggest, juciest blackberries you’ve ever seen. And the taste. Its like heaven on earth as the purple juice spills over your taste buds. The evidence of blackberry carnage is obvious all over your lips, fingers, and tongue. You eat so many that your stomach starts to hurt, so you eat a little more.
My brother reception was in a large backyard and there was a blackberry bush wrapped around a tree. I gravitated towards it throughout the reception and my niece asked me if i wanted a bucket to collect them in. I had some cousins helping me as we talked and snatched the low hanging fruit. The littles used their grubby little hands to grab at the berries safe in my bucket. It brought me a lot of joy to see the juice all over their faces.



It seemed like no matter how many blackberries i picked, there was always more. These blackberries, though, were farther in the bush or higher than i was tall. I would reach and get scratched or just refuse to try and get the higher ones because i felt like i was going to fall off of the stage into the bush. That was not something i wanted to experience.


Was it worth it? I braved the thorns and reached in farther to the berries in the back. I popped one in my mouth and smiled. It was summer in a berry. It was barefoot in a field, flowers in your hair, laughing as you splashed someone in a pool, and the feeling of the last week of freedom before school started.  Completely worth it. Don’t get me wrong- i didn’t just blindly reach my hand into the thickness of thorns. I maneuvered the bush so i wasn’t pierced by too many of  those little needles.


There was some time that i was picking alone as the littles were dancing. I pondered as i picked. Life is sometimes life these blackberry bushes. Even just a little bit of work and patience blesses us with sweet, tart blackberries. Those low hanging fruits, or the ones that stick out just past the thorns.


But those summer berries.


Heavenly Father sometimes asks us to go through the thorns of life, to persevere, in order to taste the sweetest berries of our lives. Sometimes it’s painful and we don’t fully understand why in the world there are so many thorns. Why would i continually work towards those stupid perfect berries? The thing about those scratches is that it hurt like the dickens for a minute, but then the pain subsided. Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to fling ourselves into the blackberry bushes, but He does ask us to reach a little further. He will heal our hearts, He will take away the pain...but the lessons, the blessings, the berries. For me, it’s all been worth it. Heavenly Father teaches us so much if we let Him and if we open our eyes to Him. Like Nephi and the Angel in 1 Nephi chapter 11. He asks Nephi to look multiple times. So, look. When you get scratched by the bush don’t give up. Look to the berries already in your bucket, look to the berries hanging high.


Yes, those berries hanging high. What about those? They may not be surrounded by thorns, so how did that relate to my ponderings? I have a cousin, Antonio, who is a couple inches taller than me. I asked him multiple times for help. That entailed being my foundation as i reached on my tippy toes to grab a couple of berries or just huffing and asking him to reach that which was beyond which i could do. We can’t pick all the berries by ourselves. We need help. Sometimes we just have to ask. There are people who are taller than us or that we can use as a foundation as we reach out.



Wheat
The ebs and flows of a certain part of the highway in eastern oregon have become as natural as breathing for me. My heart squeezed a little when i saw the exit sign for Biggs. A McDonalds is connected to a large gas station, one that was very familiar to me. If i turned and headed up the canyon i would hit a little town named Moro.


If you blink, you’ll miss it. Most people don’t pay much attention to it as they drive through. Just another small town with a couple of lights, antique shops, a park, a bank, and a small convenience store. It's filled with rolling golden wheat fields. I saw it all in my mind as i turned my turn signal on. It had been far too long and my heart soared with the thought of stepping onto the grass infront of that little house on main street.


I parked the car in front of the house and swallowed my emotions. She wasn’t sitting out on the porch and i couldn’t hear the T.V. on inside. I knew she wouldn’t be sitting in her chair watching the Blazers or the Lakers play, Wheel of Fortune, or Jeopardy. I soaked it all in. The bushes where I had fed a little bunny broccoli for a couple of weeks, the thick tree in the back yard swaying, stone steps up to the front yard, and the screen door that i swear i could hear creaking. It had been 8 years but everything seemed exactly the same.


I knocked on the door and my cousin’s wife peered through the screen door curiously. My cousin, Joe, smiled and invited me in. I smiled at the chubby baby that smiled back at me out of her arms. I didn’t even know he was married! We talked, laughed, and caught up about all the years.
Words tumbled awkwardly out of my mouth, an explanation of just wanting to see it all.  I walked through the kitchen, its checkered floor the exact same. I touched the walls, as i drank it all in.


So many stouffers lasagna had been made in that oven, the phone that had been hung up on the wall that brought us so much joy as children as it turned for each number was gone, and i swear i could smell the coffee and smoke lingering from so many mornings waking up in the room next to the kitchen.


“The owl, there used to be an owl cookie jar up here. What happened to it?”
“Oh, I think it’s downstairs somewhere. We packed all of that up years ago and put it in the basement”
“Can i try and find it?”
“Sure, if you want to brave the spider webs!”


I was ecstatic! That owl cookie jar was a vital part of my childhood. Grandma always had some goodies hiding in there, as any good grandma does.
Joe led me outside to the entrance to the basement. There were stairs leading down, but those were stairs from all the scary movies that happen in basements. He opened the large door and lead me to a backroom. My heart caught in my throat as i moved my fingers over the page of a book covered in dust. She always loved to read. His wife, Jules, came down to help me after she put the little to sleep. I laughed as i pulled out old records. I could just imagine her singing and dancing after a long day to the records in my hand. I pulled out framed pictures that were older than i was, flowers or nature scenes. I spent an hour in that basement pouring over her life. Smiling as memories came flooding back, imagining her using the camera i found, and the faint lingering smell of smoke.


I never did find that owl cookie jar, turns out my Dad had it, but i spent an hour with her. I spent an hour living in her life and smiling at all she had left behind. I spent an hour telling stories of her to my cousin's wife who had never met her.


“She was a firecracker.” I would start as i told a story about her.

I asked for directions after i saw my Uncle later in the home she grew up in with her fathers name on the lane.


“She’s up on the top of the hill, near the fence. Take the left turn when you get to the fork in the road.”
“Thank you, i appreciate it!” I said with a smile and a couple of hugs.


I drove up as the sun was dipping into the golden hour. I stepped out of my car and looked out at the field across from the cemetary. I hadn’t been here since the day that we lowered her body into the ground. I searched for a little until i found her grave. I began to sob as i sat on the concrete outing surrounding her grave in a box. I apologized for taking so long to come back. I told her about my life, the things i had just unearthed in the basement, and told her hold much she would love the view.
When she passed away my dad asked me to sing at her gravesite. I chose I Know That My Redeemer Lives on that cold winter morning. I remember the way the wind bit at my as i cried over those words. That hymn has always meant the world to me and it takes me back to that hillside every time i sing it.


I sat with her and sang it again. This time the sun cradled me as the words came easily. I wiped away my tears and smiled, filled with the Spirit. I knew she was there, i knew she was mine forever, and i knew that she would never leave me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she had been there at so many vital moments of my life and would continue to do so on the other side of the veil. I am grateful for my knowledge that my family will be together forever. That that firecracker will be mine forever.


I drove away with my heart full.

Heavenly Father has so many lessons to teach us if we just look and ask. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us, i know this with all of my heart. This weekend was exactly what i needed. It helped bring peace to my heart and let me know that He is on my side rooting for me through the rushing river that is life.

So if you have some time 10/10 would recommend taking a roadtrip by yourself. Just don't have work the next day, that turns you into a walking zombie.



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