Chasing Goodness: January 2016

First off, my current aesthetic,

Alright, now that we have that out of the way we can get to the good stuff. The better stuff, one might say, because that picture is priceless.

I haven't posted in a very long time, forgive me. Life got...lifey, as it often does. The holidays were good to me and my family. Ivy and i took a roadtrip to Oregon over thanksgiving- she's one of my best friends. We hiked almost every day that we were there and explored the waterfalls along the Columbia Gorge. For Christmas i stayed in Utah and bounced around from house to house of friends.

And i spent a lot of my break with Katy's pup, Bella.

This meant a lot of walks, which also meant a lot of time to think. Within those two weeks i had a lot of personal interviews with myself. Was my life going the way that i wanted it to? How was i working on my relationship with Heavenly Father? Were my relationships with the people around me the best that they could be? What was my rough game plan for the upcoming year?

I kept making rough game plans to stay in Utah and continue on with my life as i knew it, but i felt that something was completely off. It was like trying to shove a square peg into a circle one. It was a really frustrating couple of days, let me tell you.

This was what my brain looked like.

Then a thought came to my mind, especially because my family was on my mind. I had missed them a lot over Christmas break!

Why not move home?

As soon as i started to consider the option i felt a blanket of peace settle over my whole being. But why? Why move home and put off my schooling? How would that help me? How would this bring peace to my life and why in the world was this a plan He had for me?

Mission? I laughed a lot at that thought and instantly pushed it out of my head. {I have been fighting Heavenly Father on that thought for a long time.} Problem is, the more i tried not to think about going on a mission, the more it wiggled its way into my thoughts. I guess that's kind of a consequence of living with 5 return missionaries who are really passionate about each of their missions.

I began to make plans to move home, take some time off from school, and save up money to finish my degree. Even when i was leaving i was still toying with the idea of going on a mission, i was about 85% there....but 15% of me was having a hard time with the idea. Not because i didn't want to go, but i was scared.

When i came home i felt so much peace and i felt that i was exactly where i needed to be. Everything made sense and every part of me was filled with strength and comfort. Then i went to the institute near the community college near my home and that first Tuesday i felt that everything the instructor said was specifically for me. I don't remember what was talked about, but i remember the message the Spirit taught to me that night. It was to find out why i wanted to go on a mission, because that would be vital to my actual mission. The Spirit also gave me the boost i needed to push the fear and anxiety out of my life and start acting on my prompting to go on a mission.

So, why? It started with my thoughts on conversion,

My conversion happens every moment of every day. Every day I'm reminded of how good God is to me. Of how blessed I am. The Atonement is so real in my life. But I remember one moment with clarity- rocking on my hammock while looking at the stars. Sammi was going through the Temple for her Endowment and I was thinking about life. I wondered what His plan was for me and I felt very alone. A feeling of understanding flooded me in that moment, that He was aware of me- as His daughter. My Father was listening, so I began to talk. I talked candidly and bore my soul to my loving Father. I explained how hard it had been recently, how sorry I was, and where I wanted to be. I told Him I would do anything to get there. So He asked, are you willing to give up your pride? Will you follow me no matter the cost? My answer was this: I am weary of fighting you, it has brought nothing but heartache. Yes.

Repentance is a salsa, one step forward two steps back. It's a constant progression. Satan would have me believe that as soon as I tripped on my new path that I was done for. Why continue on? It's hard and I can't do it. But I found that I could, I picked myself up and dusted myself off. Some joined me on the path and I was thankful for their Spirits. At moments I stood at a fork in the path with people I loved. I was told to take one path while they decided to take another, and with a heavy heart I took the path I was guided to. I knew the choice was mine, it always has been. He has never forced me to take a path, but simply shown me my choices.

I have felt His hand in my life and known of His goodness. I will chase it every day. I will try my best to do what I can. He loves me. It's as simple and complicated as that. But do I love Him? Enough to sacrifice what is needed as I travel His path? The choices I make each day are not for just this life, they are for the days to come where I will stand in front of Him. Lovingly holding His hand in mine and tracing the marks on His palms and wrists as the tears stream down my face. I will love Him with all that I am. He and my Father. They are all I strive for. That conversion happens every day.

How much do i love my Heavenly Father? Those words echo throughout my thoughts every day as i begin to prepare. I am serving because i love my Father and because i want to share what brings me the most happiness, what has brought my family the most happiness. I want to teach them His Light. Can i tell you how STOKED i am?!

I'll probably need a whole other post for that. I have learned a lot within the last month and i have had my faith stretched in a lot of uncomfortable ways. Was it worth it? Completely. I uprooted my entire life and started new, headed in the direction that i know without a doubt is the direction that my Heavenly Father has for me. I have been blessed beyond reason. I have learned to trust Him with all that i am and to jump. So, here i am, jumping in the name of chasing goodness.

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