Chasing Goodness: 2017

Honestly, most days i feel like a mixture of both.

Sometimes this nagging feeling just sits there and says, "Hey, you're pretty boring. Pretty sure everyone else thinks so too." ...and i believe it for a second. Do you ever feel that way, because it sucks. You just feel so....

I pray that makes sense. SO, what i did was tell one of my best friends how i felt. And she went full Leslie Knope on me.

SO, I'm going to share you her list. Not in a "Hey, guys, look how awesome i am" but more in a "Hey guys, GET YO' SELF A FRIEND LIKE IVY. Y'ALL NEED IT"

1. You are a dynamic, woman leader who enjoys talking to people and getting to know them.

2. You keep grain in your pocket because you fed ponies

3. You wear lipsticks of unnatural shades because it looks cool and you actually look good wearing it

4. You fluctuate between gramma and hipster clothing

5. Your car is named after a hockey player

6. You think bible puns are funny

7.You can burp the ABCs

8. When you text, you always have weird autocorrects that you just let slide

9. Your meme use is on point

10. You had fun laying around as a dead body

10 b. You agreed to lay around as a dead body

11. You were once a vegan

12. You served your mission in OK. Not many people do that.

13. You remember that people like Cactus and you get them earrings with them on them

13 b. Thank you for that. Mucho. I love those earrings

14. You have no brown hair

15. You actually get off your butt and go and do things.

Sometimes it is very hard to see ourselves clearly. Sometimes we think we are as boring as a stick and why would anyone want to actually spend time with us let alone get to know us? How do we even start?

I have to get outside my comfort zone and outside of that stupid little voice that says no one cares, and just tell people about me.

So, let me introduce myself. Hey, I'm Emily. One of my favourite spots in the world is this little forest down the road from my home, specifically this tree right by a duck pond. I own a lot of books that i've never read. I really enjoy spending days by myself exploring cities, especially small hole in the wall food stops. I was born with one kidney. Sometimes i accidentally turn on my windshield wipers instead of my turn signal. I talk to my sister every day. My newest catch phrase is "fight me." when people sass me. No matter whats happening in my life tea makes it better. I love to belt Adele songs and pretend im half as good- this happens a lot in the car. If i'm ever angry, pomegranates. I don't know why but they make me immediately un-angry. I take a lot of pride in my work. My current job has helped me to grow a lot as a person and become more confident in my abilities. I love sitting down and talking with people one on one, groups kind of drain me. I love peoples stories of what they were like when they were young. I love it when people tell me about their day, its one of those "normal" things that i just adore. I always chip off all my nail polish within a couple of days. I write people i really care about letters, im a big letter person. People don't always see those letters. I love doing things that scare me. Like seeing It. I really really want to hold a tarantula because i am terrified. When i was on my mission i tried to convince my district to go to the bug zoo for P Day, they didn't bite. Hah. I feel really grounded when my hands are dirty, especially with soil(you're welcome, Ivy). I have 4 plants right now on my window that haven't died and i really want my future home to have a lot of plants. I am always, always, always down for adventures. What do i constitute as adventures? It's a pretty broad topic for me because i think life is a great adventure. I'm a huge advocate about being real about mental illnesses. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for 7 years now and its not something i am ashamed of in any way. It's a part of who i am and i love talking with others about it. I love to talk about deep things, they are what make me feel alive. You want a conversation at midnight while driving up a canyon? I'm your woman. I love keeping busy and i like to organize my day. I also love spontaneity. Yeah, tell me how that balances out. One movie that makes me laugh like no other is Monty Python. I work really hard on my relationship with Jesus on the daily. He's my best friend. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ with everything that i am. I can't even begin to put words on how much i love my Saviour. I spent 7 months of my life in Oklahoma sharing that love and it was an experience i will forever treasure and hold near my heart. When i pray, sometimes its messy. My car is kind of a holy place, its a place where a lot of prayers have been spoken.

I'm messy, thats how my life is. Sometimes i have my hair in a bun, no makeup, and flannel. Other times i have my hair curled, cat eye on point, and oxford shoes. It's all me though. I am a fan of wearing what makes me feel like i can take on the world, and sometimes thats flannel. Depends on the day. I'm pretty impulsive, so my hair changes.

this is me. and there is so much more. and im working on being more comfortable with sharing things about myself. with sharing me.

This weekend i took my first solo trip back home. Sure, i’ve made the drive so many times i could probably make it in my sleep, but i had never made it alone.

My mothers reaction was sheer panic.

She was convinced that a trucker was going to kidnap me.

My fathers was

Image result for indifference gif

I set out after work Friday night and with the help of three monsters, an audio book and a half, and my jams i made it home as the sun was peeping in my rearview mirror.

Why was i making a sojourn at that time of night? You see, my brother married his sweetheart April in July for all time and eternity in the Portland Temple. I was blessed enough to be able to witness their sealing inside the Temple. There were no dry eyes in our immediate family as we gained an amazing woman with her daughters into our family. We watched as our brother and son kneeled across the altar to make sacred promises with his bride. My brothers life has not been an easy one and to see the joy and love in his eyes was a blessing beyond words.

So, naturally, they had their reception a month later. I wasn’t able to get the time off from work and i was pretty bummed. My Mom called me on Friday and was telling me how sad my brother was because none of his siblings would be at his reception.

Challenge accepted.

This last weekend was a whirlwind, but i learned two valuable lessons that i’d like to share with you.

Blackberries

Late Summer in Oregon always means blackberries. The biggest, juciest blackberries you’ve ever seen. And the taste. Its like heaven on earth as the purple juice spills over your taste buds. The evidence of blackberry carnage is obvious all over your lips, fingers, and tongue. You eat so many that your stomach starts to hurt, so you eat a little more.

My brother reception was in a large backyard and there was a blackberry bush wrapped around a tree. I gravitated towards it throughout the reception and my niece asked me if i wanted a bucket to collect them in. I had some cousins helping me as we talked and snatched the low hanging fruit. The littles used their grubby little hands to grab at the berries safe in my bucket. It brought me a lot of joy to see the juice all over their faces.

It seemed like no matter how many blackberries i picked, there was always more. These blackberries, though, were farther in the bush or higher than i was tall. I would reach and get scratched or just refuse to try and get the higher ones because i felt like i was going to fall off of the stage into the bush. That was not something i wanted to experience.

Was it worth it? I braved the thorns and reached in farther to the berries in the back. I popped one in my mouth and smiled. It was summer in a berry. It was barefoot in a field, flowers in your hair, laughing as you splashed someone in a pool, and the feeling of the last week of freedom before school started. Completely worth it. Don’t get me wrong- i didn’t just blindly reach my hand into the thickness of thorns. I maneuvered the bush so i wasn’t pierced by too many of those little needles.

There was some time that i was picking alone as the littles were dancing. I pondered as i picked. Life is sometimes life these blackberry bushes. Even just a little bit of work and patience blesses us with sweet, tart blackberries. Those low hanging fruits, or the ones that stick out just past the thorns.

But those summer berries.

Heavenly Father sometimes asks us to go through the thorns of life, to persevere, in order to taste the sweetest berries of our lives. Sometimes it’s painful and we don’t fully understand why in the world there are so many thorns. Why would i continually work towards those stupid perfect berries? The thing about those scratches is that it hurt like the dickens for a minute, but then the pain subsided. Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to fling ourselves into the blackberry bushes, but He does ask us to reach a little further. He will heal our hearts, He will take away the pain...but the lessons, the blessings, the berries. For me, it’s all been worth it. Heavenly Father teaches us so much if we let Him and if we open our eyes to Him. Like Nephi and the Angel in 1 Nephi chapter 11. He asks Nephi to look multiple times. So, look. When you get scratched by the bush don’t give up. Look to the berries already in your bucket, look to the berries hanging high.

Yes, those berries hanging high. What about those? They may not be surrounded by thorns, so how did that relate to my ponderings? I have a cousin, Antonio, who is a couple inches taller than me. I asked him multiple times for help. That entailed being my foundation as i reached on my tippy toes to grab a couple of berries or just huffing and asking him to reach that which was beyond which i could do. We can’t pick all the berries by ourselves. We need help. Sometimes we just have to ask. There are people who are taller than us or that we can use as a foundation as we reach out.

Wheat

The ebs and flows of a certain part of the highway in eastern oregon have become as natural as breathing for me. My heart squeezed a little when i saw the exit sign for Biggs. A McDonalds is connected to a large gas station, one that was very familiar to me. If i turned and headed up the canyon i would hit a little town named Moro.

If you blink, you’ll miss it. Most people don’t pay much attention to it as they drive through. Just another small town with a couple of lights, antique shops, a park, a bank, and a small convenience store. It's filled with rolling golden wheat fields. I saw it all in my mind as i turned my turn signal on. It had been far too long and my heart soared with the thought of stepping onto the grass infront of that little house on main street.

I parked the car in front of the house and swallowed my emotions. She wasn’t sitting out on the porch and i couldn’t hear the T.V. on inside. I knew she wouldn’t be sitting in her chair watching the Blazers or the Lakers play, Wheel of Fortune, or Jeopardy. I soaked it all in. The bushes where I had fed a little bunny broccoli for a couple of weeks, the thick tree in the back yard swaying, stone steps up to the front yard, and the screen door that i swear i could hear creaking. It had been 8 years but everything seemed exactly the same.

I knocked on the door and my cousin’s wife peered through the screen door curiously. My cousin, Joe, smiled and invited me in. I smiled at the chubby baby that smiled back at me out of her arms. I didn’t even know he was married! We talked, laughed, and caught up about all the years.

Words tumbled awkwardly out of my mouth, an explanation of just wanting to see it all. I walked through the kitchen, its checkered floor the exact same. I touched the walls, as i drank it all in.

So many stouffers lasagna had been made in that oven, the phone that had been hung up on the wall that brought us so much joy as children as it turned for each number was gone, and i swear i could smell the coffee and smoke lingering from so many mornings waking up in the room next to the kitchen.

“The owl, there used to be an owl cookie jar up here. What happened to it?”

“Oh, I think it’s downstairs somewhere. We packed all of that up years ago and put it in the basement”

“Can i try and find it?”

“Sure, if you want to brave the spider webs!”

I was ecstatic! That owl cookie jar was a vital part of my childhood. Grandma always had some goodies hiding in there, as any good grandma does.

Joe led me outside to the entrance to the basement. There were stairs leading down, but those were stairs from all the scary movies that happen in basements. He opened the large door and lead me to a backroom. My heart caught in my throat as i moved my fingers over the page of a book covered in dust. She always loved to read. His wife, Jules, came down to help me after she put the little to sleep. I laughed as i pulled out old records. I could just imagine her singing and dancing after a long day to the records in my hand. I pulled out framed pictures that were older than i was, flowers or nature scenes. I spent an hour in that basement pouring over her life. Smiling as memories came flooding back, imagining her using the camera i found, and the faint lingering smell of smoke.

I never did find that owl cookie jar, turns out my Dad had it, but i spent an hour with her. I spent an hour living in her life and smiling at all she had left behind. I spent an hour telling stories of her to my cousin's wife who had never met her.

“She was a firecracker.” I would start as i told a story about her.

I asked for directions after i saw my Uncle later in the home she grew up in with her fathers name on the lane.

“She’s up on the top of the hill, near the fence. Take the left turn when you get to the fork in the road.”

“Thank you, i appreciate it!” I said with a smile and a couple of hugs.

I drove up as the sun was dipping into the golden hour. I stepped out of my car and looked out at the field across from the cemetary. I hadn’t been here since the day that we lowered her body into the ground. I searched for a little until i found her grave. I began to sob as i sat on the concrete outing surrounding her grave in a box. I apologized for taking so long to come back. I told her about my life, the things i had just unearthed in the basement, and told her hold much she would love the view.

When she passed away my dad asked me to sing at her gravesite. I chose I Know That My Redeemer Lives on that cold winter morning. I remember the way the wind bit at my as i cried over those words. That hymn has always meant the world to me and it takes me back to that hillside every time i sing it.

I sat with her and sang it again. This time the sun cradled me as the words came easily. I wiped away my tears and smiled, filled with the Spirit. I knew she was there, i knew she was mine forever, and i knew that she would never leave me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she had been there at so many vital moments of my life and would continue to do so on the other side of the veil. I am grateful for my knowledge that my family will be together forever. That that firecracker will be mine forever.

I drove away with my heart full.

Heavenly Father has so many lessons to teach us if we just look and ask. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us, i know this with all of my heart. This weekend was exactly what i needed. It helped bring peace to my heart and let me know that He is on my side rooting for me through the rushing river that is life.

So if you have some time 10/10 would recommend taking a roadtrip by yourself. Just don't have work the next day, that turns you into a walking zombie.

Soy Division.

Ok, i'm still laughing at that one.

Vegan. Pf, i would never go vegan. Steak, amiright?

After yet another frustrating doctors visit i went to lunch with my mom. I didn't have anything crazy, nothing that had previously set off an episode(what i'm going to call my vomiting episodes from here on out). About five minutes after finishing i had one of the worst episodes i've had since this all started. I started crying in the middle of a bathroom stall in New Seasons and i just prayed for some type of answer.

As i walked out to the car i just kept praying, pleading for anything. Something that i had thought a lot about came to mind. My friend Jason has been vegan for quite some time and we had a lot of talks about why he went vegan and how much he enjoyed it. (Don't worry, i scoffed at the time as well) At this point, i literally was up for trying everything. I was exhausted of always getting sick and how horrible i felt after. I was tired of constantly feeling nauseas and i swear, if one more doctor asked me if there was a chance i was pregnant i was going to deck them.

I messaged Jason and we started talking about his whole-food plan-based diet. What did he eat? How did he sustain it while in college? What was a normal day for him like? Jason became my vegan guru.

As i researched more into a vegan plant-based diet i realized that there was SO much more to it than i thought. Did you know that Pinterest has numerous recipes? DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE CHEESE FROM CASHEWS? (Yes, Jacob, i know its not really cheese, but work with me.) And sweet potatoes...don't even get me started on how vesatile they are!

So, i went shopping. I dived into the vegetable section and i'm not sure i'm the same person who went in.

I experimented so much that first week. I was always texting Jason what i was trying out.

Here are some of my favourites from that first week:

Baked Sweet Potatoes with sauteed onions and garlic. Sometimes i added pecans for texture

Tandoori Sauce that was to die for. It also got me banned from ever using cumin, curry, or turmeric in the house again. I regret nothing. It was delicious. I just put that sauce over a bunch of veggies and some jasmine rice and i was in love. I would use half the salt it says though.

For breakfast i stuck with steel cut oats made with coconut milk. On top i drizzled a little of honey, pecans, and fresh mango was my favourite. Any fruit i had at the moment worked perfectly.

The rice cooker is my favourite- IT CAN MAKE ANYTHING. Steel cut oats? Check. Lentils and Bulgar weat? Aww yeah. Rice? Duh.

Hummus. Ohhhhh hummus. I'm working on my ballad that expresses my love for hummus. Hummus is what helped me get through that first week and a half. Hummus and carrots, hummus and peppers, hummus and hummus. Garlic hummus from Mama Selmas kitchen is hands down the best hummus i've ever had in my life.

I just started throwing together some vegetables in a little olive oil and salt, pop 'em in at 420 degrees F and let 'em cook for about 20 minutes. Heck, throw on any seasoning you really want. Throw them over some quinoa and boom, solid amazing flavorful dinner.

The funny part is that I went through phases. For a couple of days I was eating mini sweet peppers like it was my day job...then it was carrots...and then it seemed like every meal i made had onions in it. I experimented with what sounded good. I began to look forward to what experiments i could cook up the next day. I started getting giddy about it.

It was hard. Oh heavens, it was hard. Believe me. The first week, torture. Even though my friend Jason told me i needed to eat more than i was used to because what i was eating wasn't as calorically dense i didn't follow that advice. Then i heard his voice in the back of my head and started to really listen to my body and how much it needed. That torture didn't last. Sure, sometimes its hard when i go out with friends. Sure, some days aren't perfect- i had crepes over the weekend because that's what was being made for breakfast. And during a 12 hour roadtrip i had a scone and a nutter butter.

Here is the thing, my body reacts to that in a way it didn't before. It didn't taste as good as it used to. Sure, the first bite was nice, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. I don't crave processed food like i used to. They make you feel so sick if you haven't had them in awhile. My stomach was not happy with me. Right now, i'm craving red peppers and am probably going to indulge in that.

And you know what, i'm still excited! I'm excited to become a master at vegan sauces...after i fix my food processor from my last attempt. I'm excited to freaking figure out how to cook tofu...because right now i feel like a 3 year old with a chefs hat. Also, my vegan friends are the coolest. They help me and get excited with me. They have helped me be a lot more human in this journey. Heck yeah steak still smells good, yeah sometimes they have ice cream, and none of us are perfect. I'm excited to experiment with flavors that i've never even dreamed of, vegetables i used to be scared of, and fruits from all over the world.

My first time inside Trader Joes after i decided to eat a vegan diet was like a kid in a candy store. "DAD THEY HAVE VEGAN BUTTER." "DAD, THIS CHEESE IS MADE OF SOY" "DAD. DAAAAD. THIS YOGURT IS MADE OUT OF CASHEWS." Natural Groceries and New Seasons are my heaven on earth.

And don't start me on my first plant-based restaurant. Next-Level Burger is SO good. Oh my goodness. Soooooo good. I cannot rave about them enough.

Mod Pizza has dairy free cheese and so many veggies to load up on your pizza.

Ever since i've started i don't feel nauseas 24/7, i haven't have any episodes(except for when i tried to drink dr pepper. haha. yeah.), and it's helping other health problems i have. It's been a huge blessing. I know its not for everyone, and that's totally fine. I'm not a meat hater, i'm not anti anything...this just works for me. I love it, i honestly do. I am not in constant worry of having an episode and i have felt so much peace in my life about my health.

Also, i love vegan jokes. They are my favourite. My family and friends have had a hay day over the vegan jokes and memes. I met a guy who did cross fit and was a vegan and i laughed and asked him which he talked about first.

God is so good. I am so thankful for food. I am thankful for the abundance of plants He has put on this earth. I am so thankful for those who have foraged this path ahead of me. I am so thankful for the tender mercies that He has put in my life. He is truly aware of all of His children. He is aware of me, i know that without a doubt. I am so thankful for His love. I know that He has been cheering me on through all of this.

"So, if you don't mind me asking, why are you home?"

I really don't mind, honestly. I appreciate those who have come right out and asked me. So, for those who are a little warry because missionaries coming home early is a touchy subject....here it is, straight from the source!

BEHOLD THE STORY.

I'm horrid at telling stories, so i'm using a bunch of Stitch Gifs to help me.

*AHEM*

Vomit is my word of choice, so if you can't bear to even read about it...well...best of luck.

4 Months ago, i started to vomit maybe 3-5 times a month. I blamed it on food, mostly Braums burgers. If you've ever had one you know exactly what i'm talking about.

Fast forward to about a month ago, at this point its progressed from 3-5 times a month to every week to a couple times a week to every day.....

and now it's multiple times a day. To where i wasn't able to keep much down. One day i might be able to keep something down but the next day i wouldn't be able to. It was always russian roulette with whatever i ate. I had been going to Doctors in Kansas but working with them was a lot of this...

Ivy's favourite part of this story is when they lost my stool sample. I don't understand how you lose that...but they did. Don't worry, they found it. And all of the tests they took came back negative. I had received a lot of blessings at this point, but nothing was changing. Patience became a good friend, as it still is.

At this point i was praying a lot about what to do because i was feeling horrible every day. Most days consisted of being inside for a long time because even when i didn't eat i was still vomiting and always feeling nauseas. That call to my mission president was the hardest call i've ever made...

But i knew it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I wanted the work to go forward in Independence. No matter how much i loved the people there they deserved a missionary who was healthy and could devote the time they needed! I loved those people with all of my heart, even though i was only there for a short time. And i wanted to dedicate my time to getting better. Working as a missionary when you were as sick as i was was absolutely miserable. There were moments of pure joy, but for the most part i was always sick to my stomach.

So, two days after that call i was on a plane coming home. At first, when i got released, i was feeling a lot like this....

BUT I have a lot of faith about this entire situation though. Heavenly Father is at the helm and i know that it'll all get sorted out. It's been better day by day.

Another question i've gotten a lot is "So, how long are you home?" No idea. What are my plans? My plan is to stay real close to the Spirit in all that i do so i know what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I am taking this day by day because any other way would drive me insane. My focus right now is to get better, to figure out what in the world is happening with my stomach.

So, the last week has been quite the roller coaster.

Talking with old friends has been a lot of this...

Social outings have me all...(especially with boys. Still getting used to that...)

Listening to music is the best though. Not that i didn't appreciate EFY all the time..but uh...

And day by day, i'm feeling a bit more...

This entire assimilating to real life has been a roller coaster of equal parts awesome and awkward. It's been anxiety filled but Heavenly Father has this amazing way of making everything work out and filling me with peace. I know that i am in His hands and i am so grateful for this adventure of mine. Life is amazing and God is good.

I love you all, and don't be afraid to ask any questions. Really, i'm not scary and i won't bite.

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