Chasing Goodness: 2016

Today was just a rough day. I was stuck in what one might call a rut. The following pictures depict it quite well.

I pride (this wording will make this hilarious later) myself in being pretty aware of my emotions and working through them. Ruts are when i know i'm in the wrong with my emotions- like being grumpy, frustrated, or just in a sour mood- but it takes me awhile to get out of it.

It's at this point that i am very grateful for Christ centered people in my life. I am thankful for friends who are open and honest with me and who don't beat around the bush. They use the Spirit to help those around them. They are a huge inspiration to me and to the type of person i strive to be.

I texted one of my best friends, Sammi, and just asked a simple question: How do i humble myself?

Sometimes when we go through hard things and come out on top we yearn for validation. We want someone to see how great we are doing and to cheer us on. It's not a bad thing to feel, but if left untreated it can fester into pride. I've been growing a lot and changing and just working on myself to come closer to Christ and ITS BEEN HARD. It's been an uphill climb. I'm a pretty reserved person when it comes to very personal things and not many know pretty vital parts of my story. Very few people have seen exactly how hard it's been and how much has changed. It's like when you've made a really great play in soccer, basketball, hockey, whatever and you turn around AND NO ONE SAW.

Leaves you feeling a little bit like this,

It's hard to walk that line because it suddenly becomes me, me, me, me. Suddenly it's pride. Why can't people see how awesome i am? Why can't people tell me that i'm going great? Why can't anyone see how much i've changed?

To which a very wise and Christ centered woman answered,

"Alma 26:11-17."

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

13 Behold, how many thousands of our brethren has he loosed from the pains of hell; and they are brought to sing redeeming love, and this because of the power of his word which is in us, therefore have we not great reason to rejoice?

14 Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell.

15 Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work.

16 Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.

17 Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?

With these words attached,

"I think its ok to be frustrated that no one recognizes your growth. BUT it's more important that you don't stunt your growth by being bitter about the fact that no one knows the inner struggle you've gone through to get to where you are. Because the truth of the matter is that EVERYONE struggles to grow spiritually. And most of those battles DO go unseen. You can be proud of where you are as long as you put your pride and gratitude where it belongs, because you did not get there on your own."

If you've read this far you're probably wondering why in the world i'm sharing this personal experience with you. I'm completely calling myself out in the middle of a pride cycle. Not exactly the best light to shine on myself. Long story short, someone out there needed to read it.

It is vital to have Christ centered people in your life. It is vital to have people that you trust to be honest with you, especially about hard things. I am so thankful for women and men like her in my life who lead me to Christ. Who lead me to light.

I am so thankful for the Book of Mormon and the power that the words within hold. I am so thankful for loving Prophets who testify of Christ and how great our God is. I am thankful for a loving reminder from a loving friend about where my strength comes from. I know that without a doubt that i would be no where without my God. I would be continually stuck in ruts without a hope in the world of every escaping. I am who i am because of my God and His strength. I am who i am today because of the awe inspiring power of the Atonement. I am who i am today because of His love. I am who i am today because He has brought so much peace and power into my life.

I am far from perfect and some days will be ruts. Some days i will get caught up in the pride cycle. Some days i will get lost in the "why me?" of this life. You know what though? My God is great. My God is powerful enough to pull me out of those. My God has a strength that will never falter.

Never forget whose presence you came from and never forget whose presence you are striving to be in again.

My Heavenly Father loves me and He loves you. He is aware of your struggles and He is cheering you on. Life is not meant to be easy, but it's meant to be joyful. Be joyful of your God. Find strength in Him. Every day is a new day to renew that joy.

Also, if you ever want a large dose of humility....read The Screwtape Letters. One of the most enlightening and humbling books i've ever had the privilege to read.

So, one of my favourite posts was Letters to Him, which if you haven't read you totally should. Some very important people to me wrote letters to my future husband and it was a very humbling and amazing experience. I loved every single letter and still read them from time to time. They exude love and a part of me that i don't always see. So, i decided to return the favor.

And then some. So read until the end.

{To the married friends who wrote Him a letter, just wait a couple more posts and you'll get your letter. This is for those that are still unmarried.}

Katy

To Him,

I’ve known this woman for four years now, and it has been an adventure and a half. No one is better at pushing me to do hard things, especially rock climbing. She understands my fear and that it’s all talk. She understands a lot about me, and its disconcerting sometimes. I’m not used to people doing so. Anyways, i’m talking about myself, and that’s not the point of this letter.

Katy is a woman who means the world to me. I love many people, but she is one that i love far more than others.

Less than a year ago Katy convinced me to strap on a harness and put my fear on the back burner and try and climb a rock wall. I made it up the kiddie wall and she was cheering the entire time. Give me a little slack-haha i made a rock climbing joke- as i try and work through this comparison.

This woman has the heart of an explorer. She embodies that spirit more than anyone i know. Every spare moment of hers is spent outside and among great people who share her restlessness. She found her happy place in a harness and pressed close to a rock wall, which means that she is going to need the worlds best belayer.

So, that’s what you’re going to be. The worlds best belayer. You will keep her grounded. You will keep her safe. I expect you to do such.

As her belayer you will be helping her to reach new heights. You will be supporting her as she climbs the wall of life. Don’t worry, she will support you as well. She makes one of the best belayers as well, she’s practiced her entire life. She will need you to encourage her and push her to be the best that she can be. She’s proud and independent- but she yearns to grow with you. She yearns to be loved and to love someone just as deeply. Support her by exploring with her, making sure she doesn’t work herself into the ground, and shake your head with a smile and run with her when she makes decisions on the fly. Always have a backpack ready for a weekend get away.

As her belayer you will see things in her path that will help her or hinder her. How you do this is staying close to God. Have the Spirit with you always. She needs the stability of that relationship. Not her and you, but you and God. She will need the stability of you and her as well, but remember that that comes second. You need to know God. You need to be patient and loving and help her on her path. She won’t always listen, but if you have God on your side…you’re already there Darling. Heavenly Father loves Katy, i have felt it and you will as well. She is special in His eyes and so important to Him. As you strive to help and love her through her path and your path together you will be blessed with a love that your children with never doubt.

Talk her through it, man. Talk with her as she climbs through this life. Communication is really vital in any relationship. Be in awe of how important you are to her if she communicates with you. Katy has a lot to say, and rarely says it. Her words are important and honestly quite beautiful when you get them out of her. Her mind works in such a beautiful and rich way. Let her talk, let her ramble, as you hold her and nod. Listen to her, don’t just hear her. She will open up to you and be sure to do the same with her. She is one of the best listeners out there and gives pretty life changing advice. So talk with each other. Be open. Talk about hard things and talk about goofy things.

This has nothing to do with belaying, but hold her. Katy is a woman who needs to be cuddled and held. She’s been held far too much by people who don’t understand the importance of it. Stroke her hair and love her as you hold her in your arms. She will love you more than the world, i know because i’ve felt just a sliver of it.

She is loyal, loving, kind, strong, intelligent, hilarious, and full of life. Love her and she’ll show you how rich and vibrant life can be.

Con amor,

Emily

Eden

To Him,

I want you to know that in order to marry my dear, Eden I love you. I’ve probably had an immense amount of love for you since you walked into her life. I’ve most likely pleaded your case in the wee hours of the night to her as you’ve made her doubt if you liked her. Don’t worry, that was before you were actually dating. Because that’s what her and I do, we stay up late talking about our lives. We swap stories about men as we can barely keep our eyes open. We are constantly bouncing opinions off of each other and pleading the case of the person who might not be there.

You have touched her heart and she has felt a indescribable pull towards you, we’ve often talked about it. She felt it before she even met you.

This woman will inspire you every day to be a better person, just pay attention to the small things. She will constantly uplift you, but will not be afraid to admonish you in your faults. She does it with love, always. If she did not she would not be Eden. It’s such a vital part of her- to love.

If you open up to her she will cradle that trust with all that she is and help you to be fearless. Help her to be fearless as well, show her that you aren’t going anywhere. Fight for her, because this one tends to doubt herself sometimes. Let her know that your love is unchanging, be her rock.

Be patient with her. Understand that she will probably have to change about four times before she is content with her outfit. Understand that she will put on lipstick and kiss your cheek. Don’t wipe it off, kiss her back. Hold her in your arms and twirl her around. Show her how beautiful you know she is.

Let her shine. My heavens, how her Spirit shines from her. Help her to understand that you love every single part of her, because when she knows that- she shines. Her light is blinding and inspires everyone around her. Know that you have to share that light, let her help all those that she can. Support her as she makes goals that intimidate her, challenge her to be the best that she can be, and shine with her.

Love God. Love Him with all that you are, because when you do your Spirits will grow in ways that you can’t even comprehend. She is one of the most spiritually sensitive people i know, and she will intimidate you at first. Swallow your pride and meet her. Meet her and rise together. Understand that your love will be filled with struggles, but thats nothing compared to the joy that your love will bring to both of you. Be true to the Priesthood that you hold, it is a beautiful gift. Understand the Goddess in the making that stands at your side, and be thankful every day for it.

You will both move mountains, i have no doubt of that. Strive to be all that you can with her. She is your best friend, and she makes a great one. I would know. Her love knows no bounds and you are the greatest receiver of that. When you have children, watch her. Watch the love that she teaches them and be thankful every day that you belong to that. She will raise your children to have a light that will bring so many to your home.

Let it shine.

Emily

Kristina

To Him,

I pray that you have a sense of humor that meshes with ours. If you did not, i don’t believe that she would be in love with you. She makes me laugh harder than just about anyone i know.

When i first met her she was putting away groceries, in glasses, and wearing a batman t-shirt. Energy was just seeping from her as she talked with her hands and i smiled because i knew that we would be fast friends. Heavenly Father blessed me with one of my favourite roommates that night.

Strive for knowledge. In all that you do, chase wisdom and knowledge. She will chase it with you. She loves learning new things and discussing them. We spent many a nights on our couches discussing ideas that we had learned that day in class or from other people. She is a fountain of random facts and i adore her for that. You will as well, and your children will be blessed because of it. Wether it be dinosaurs, chilean culture, Hitler, or early Mormon Feminism. Bless her and her fountain of knowledge.

Laugh with her as she sits on your lap and tells you about her day. She’ll explain it with her hands flying to and fro, getting more and more excited, and my heavens her facial expressions. She will make you feel everything that she felt that day- that’s a gift she has.

Kiss the crap out of her. She needs it. She’ll probably tell you if she isn’t being kissed enough, that wouldn’t surprise me one bit. She’s endearingly honest that way.

Talk openly with her about Spiritual matters. She will support you and help you through everything- i expect you to do the same. Grow together, go to the Temple often, and strive to have the Spirit in your home. She will work hand in hand with you in that matter. She will inspire you to be better, its just the way she is. Love her and her imperfections, but be honest with her and help her grow. Heavenly Father will bless your relationship as you put Him first. You two will move mountains, i know she wouldn’t settle for anything less.

This woman means the world to me. She constantly inspires me and helps me to see so much goodness in the world. She’s honest and kind. She has one of the most beautiful smiles and laughs that the world has been graced with. Love her and laugh with her. Make her laugh, i beg of you. The world needs more of that. When you love her and support her she will shine. Help her change the world.

Con Amor,

Emily

Arielle

To Him,

This letter has been a long time in the making, but often i get overwhelmed with everything on my plate and i tend to become very forgetful. She forgives me of this, impatiently, but still, she forgives me.

I had seen her around before but the night i really met her was when i climbed into bed with her. She was on her computer and her roommate and i were talking. I wanted to see what was on her computer so i just crawled into bed with her and cuddled right on up to this poor little shocked introvert.

Here’s the thing, cuddles will get you everywhere with this one. She is one of the most loving and giving people with touch. When i was upset she would always crawl into bed with me and many a times she has held me as i cried. Don’t worry, I was there for her too, as i expect you to be so. She will fight you sometimes on it, when she is angry- but she needs to be held. Hold her when she is upset, when she is happy, when she is tried, and every emotion in between. She gives you this really content sigh when you hold her after a really really hard day.

She is one of the most independent, fierce, loyal, loving, understanding, frustratingly stubborn, and crazy woman i know. She takes awhile to let people in, but when she does let you in its for the best.

Lets talk about the frustratingly stubborn part. You need to push her. You need to help her be the best that she can be, because more often than naught she convinces herself that she can’t be. It’s fine to let her throw a little pity party for a hot second, but then you real talk with her and help her to be the best that she can be. I expect this from you. Inspire her and push her when she is stubborn and telling you that she can’t. Because she can. She can do so much more than she believes and she has had too many people just let her become comfortable with complacency. She needs people to real talk with her, and because you love her i know you will. Be careful with my little cinnamon bun, she’s all talk about being tough. She’s sensitive, so listen to the Spirit when you have to push her. Listen to what Heavenly Father is telling you so that you can act as a catalyst for her growth. She will do the same for you. She will push you to be the best that you can be, even if she is in a rut. That’s how loving and great this woman is.

Show her. This one needs to be shown with little things all the time that she is loved. You know her past, you know her struggles, and what you need to learn is how to love her. She will show you, and even before she does show you, i will help. The people that care about her will help you get a running start, because we love her and want to see you succeed. We will be coaching you in patience because she will probably fight you. She will run because she does not believe it could be this good, because it never has. She hasn’t had a lot of people love her correctly, unconditionally and deeply. She gets scared when that happens, but we will help you both. Pray to your Heavenly Father- He is the one who completely understands her heart and will help you to understand it as well. So kiss her nose, write her notes, and text her ridiculously cheesy and sketchy things while you are at work. Also, show her that there is more than physical. Show her what time really means. Show her what affirmation means. Show her how deep love can really be.

Mean what you say. This one is insanely trusting and will always give people the benefit of the doubt because she believes in the best in people. She pretends that she doesn’t sometimes, but she is a sucker for the underdog. She will get to know people and love them for their scars, believe me, I’m a recipient of said love. So mean what you say. Don’t waste your time lying to her. Don’t ever use words against her, i will hunt you down. Words can either build or tear down. You better be buliding the freaking Empire State Building, alright? You build her and inspire her with everything that you say. You help her gain and build trust. I promise that as you use your words in love you will bless not only yourself, but your future family.

Play with kids. My heavens, watch her heart melt as she see’s you playing with children. Show her how much a family means to you, because if anyone deserves a family built upon the Spirit and Christ, it is her. She has been through hell and back and will not take subpar, she deserves the best. She deserves her best friend at her side. She deserves to have littles running around and calling out “Mommy!” when they fall and scrape themselves. Watch her as she lovingly picks them up, kisses their boo boo, and lovingly smacks their bottom as she sends them on their way. She deserves to look at you playing with your children and to cry because of how happy she is. She deserves that light in her life. She deserves a home of peace and a safe place. So build that with her, build that safe place. She will get impatient, she might yell a time or two. Help her to be better. Help her to work on that.

Here’s the thing, you both have baggage. I know you both do because you are real down to earth people. You understand scars and you understand healing. So, heal on your own and heal together. When it gets rough, push each other to find help. There is ZERO shame in needing to go to a counselor or being on medication if that’s what needs to happen. Help each other be the best that you can be and support each other through healing. Go to counseling together, go to counseling separately. Teach you children about mental illnesses and how its OK to have them and what can help them with it. Love each other through the low days, because you and i both know that they come and they go. And that’s OK. You aren’t broken, you aren’t unworthy of love, you are human. You will find happiness and peace. You will find the strength to help each other and to help yourselves. Some days its going to be 90, 10. Others it’ll be 40, 60. Give and take from each other, understand that you are a team.

Pray. Pray for her, pray for your family, pray for yourself. Pray with her, pray with your family, and find moments to pray in solitude. You will be blessed for it. Raise your family with the constant guidance of the Spirit, you will need it- she will need it. Nothing is more important than the Temple, i testify of that. Go as often as you can and take her with you. Go and remember the vows that you’ve made to each other and to God. Live up to them. Nothing is more important. If you fall, get back up on that horse and keep going. Do not give up on important things.

Love her family. Yes, this means her mother. You don’t have to like her, but love her. Because of her you have Arielle. So regardless of the pain and emotional toil she has taken on her entire family and everyone that she was supposed to love…she gave you Arielle. One day, you will be beside your love when she talks with her again. Support her and love her through that day. It will be one of the hardest things you will do with her. Protect her. Love her father, even when she gets frustrated at him talk well of him. He raised her. Because of him you have the woman that stands before you. Be thankful for that. Love her sister. That doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything that she says, but love her. Never talk ill of her family, because they are important. I don’t care what she says, they are the most important people in her life because of how much they effect her. Protect her, because sometimes she takes on way too much when it comes to family. Help her to learn balance. Bond with her brother, even though he probably won’t like you at first. He’s kind of her glue. Grow with her and help her make a family of her own.

I have watched her struggle and i have watched her grow. I have seen the potential that this little one has, and it is blinding. I know that sometimes everything gets really loud and overwhelming for her. I know that she has been waiting and praying for you for a long time. I know that her Heavenly Father loves her beyond any love that you will ever have for her. I know that she is protected by angels and by so many that love her. I know that often she tells herself that she can’t do things, but she can. She just needs to get over herself sometimes. I know that she will move mountains once she realizes her potential and acts on it. I know that your future will be filled with pizza and netflix. I know that sometimes she will get neurotic about things and you will ground her. I know that she is one of the most special people out there to me, and i know that i don’t show it or say it enough. I pray that you will. I pray that you will.

You don’t deserve her, but you have her. So cherish that. Onwards and upwards, don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever settle for anything less with my little one. She needs you to help her fly.

I love you, and i love her.

Emily

Ivy

To Him,

I am writing this while sitting outside, because that seems like the only place where i could actually write this address. It would be wrong to write it while being confined by walls.

You have a very special gift, know that. I’m not talking about her, not quite yet. I’m talking about the gift that you had that allowed her to let you in, you are special beyond words. Very very few are allowed into her mind, and those that are are very reverent about it. Continue to be so. Continue to look upon this gift with awe.

Here’s the thing, when she lets you in you want to stay forever. You understand exactly what i’m talking about, and i’ve only had snippets of it. I adore you, know that. I’ve been waiting for you and so excited to finally see you with her. For her to experience love, its a beautiful thing to watch.

Love is messy, and love is hard. Love is beautiful because its taking two peoples broken pieces and making something new. Its more beautiful than you could do on your own, because her colors intertwine with yours and bring so much light.

I pray that you ground her. Her thoughts sometimes get the best of her and sometimes i can see those moments where she feels a little lost. She gets frustrated at herself often. I know that you will bring her back to calm and understanding with just a touch of your hands. You will support her and love her as she discovers more about herself. You won’t do it for her, she will never ask that, but you will calm her and ground her as she does it herself.

Make her communicate. Be patient with her, don’t push her. She will communicate when she wants to, but make it very clear that you want to communicate. Make it clear that you care to hear everything that is going on in her head. Push her, because that’s how she grows. She will ask you important questions that will help you grow. Grow together. You will talk about hard things, but it will be beautiful. In those quite moments where you sit in the pickup truck with her in your arms, speak honestly. Speak boldly. Speak lovingly. Speak to her soul.

When Grandpa asks you to help, go help in the backyard. Gaze at Gunnison for a moment, take it in, but more importantly- look at her as she gazes upon the place that brings her some of the greatest happiness. You will see it burst from her in waves, and you will fall in love. Take her there when its been a hard week, it will recharge you both. When Grandma asks you your take on the LGBT community, be honest. I know that you will answer well, or else Ivy wouldn’t have given you the time of day. It is important to you that you love her family. You don’t always have to agree with them, but love them.

Jaye. Understand that the other half of Ivy is Jaye. Support Jaye in all that she does, send her ridiculous memes in your group feed, and love her. Love all of her little quirks, listen to her, and be her friend.

I hope you enjoy greasy american food, because burgers-taco bell-pizza- and other such lovely things are a staple in your life. If she says something is gross, don’t make it for dinner again. When in doubt, pick up a couple of burritos. Or a pizza. Explore new food with her, go to hole in the wall places, but also live near a taco bell.

Tell her every day how much you appreciate her. She will do so much for you, because she loves you. She will go outside of her comfort zone because something is important to you, and that means the world. She will make whatever is important to you important to her. Do what she wants, often, because sometimes she will pretend it doesn’t matter that much. It does. So invest in a Bocci ball set, croquet set, and an immense amount of her favorite movies. If you haven’t seen all the episodes of Friends, get excited.

Make her laugh, oh please make her laugh. Her laugh is one of my favorite sounds. Tell her ridiculous jokes, master your Chinese accent, and tell her awkward stories from your past. She enjoys stories, so tell them. She’s one of the best listeners i know.

She’s going to be a little terrified to meet your family, but she won’t know that until she’s in the middle of meeting them. Stay by her side with a hand on her back to tell her that you are there. Include her, but don’t ask her to answer a bunch of questions. You know.

Learn her language. Understand that Coke makes just about everything better. Let her write and read a book while she does. Get her more fake glasses so she has options. Get camo shirts and hats and understand that she will steal them. Make one copy of your keys so that she feels like a ninja when she steals them. For heavens sake, buy her a Jeep Cherokee. Cosplay Mad Max. Play dumb video games with her and listen as she rants about them. Let her make you playlist.

Go outside. She is not happy inside. She is happy when she is breathing fresh air and getting in touch with her wild side. Some of your best conversations will happen outside. So get ready to get dirty. Get ready to run after her through woods. Buy a bunch of camping stuff at a garage sale that you stop at on your way home from work. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Have it. Prepare to go snowshoeing, hike, jump over rivers, and learn to rock climb. Just breathe with her, and be thankful to experience that with her.

When she has ideas, listen and then act. Don’t let them go undone. She will love you all the more for that.

Love Christ. Love Him with all that you are. Put Him first, have a relationship with Him. Be real about your relationship with Him. It’s not all roses, so be honest about that. Communicate that relationship with Ivy. Grow with her. Be at her side as you grow together through Him. Understand that she asks for a partner, someone who will be real with her and help her to do hard things. Don’t let her get lazy, push her. Show her how important it is to you, and she might huff and puff but she’ll settle down. She knows it’s important too, sometimes it just gets a little much. You will never doubt her testimony, know that. Know how special that is and admire that about her. Your children will never doubt her love for God and her testimony of the Gospel. You children will be raised by a very wise woman who has a real relationship with her Father.

Tell your children that you love her. Often. Show her that you love her. Tell her too, it’ll make her feel all weird when you first tell her, but she’ll come around.

Be patient, she will probably break up with you a couple of times, but she’ll come around. Be patient and chase her. Let her know that you aren’t going anywhere. I’ll help you through the first part. She’ll probably kick you in the shins once, but that’s when maybe you should consider kissing her.

Show her what it means to be kissed by someone who loves you. Make her question her existence because she has no idea how to process what the hell just happened. Kiss her softly and then kiss her like the sun will never come in the morning. Grab her in your arms so she can’t escape and blow a raspberry on her neck until she falls apart laughing. Swap hats. Go grocery shopping with her and argue over how many juice boxes you really need. State your argument, hear hers, and then decide together.

Understand that music is meant to be blasted, unless there is talking. Sometimes she’ll get into her mind- let her. She’ll come out eventually. Do your own thing, she expects you too. She’s a bit like a wild animal, she’ll come to you when she wants. Love her through those moments and understand that she will always come, but be patient.

I could literally go on for days, and i feel like i have. She’s one of the most important people to me in the world. When i first talked with her i understood that we would be friends forever. That just kind of goes unsaid. I expect to have our yearly camping trip with our children. I expect our children to smear mud in each others hair and to get in trouble. Ivy and I will be laughing, so you and my husband will have to keep your crap together enough to scold them. Or you know, we could just have a mud fight, because Ivy and I will start that with you. She’ll always pick your children up when they fall, but she’ll expect them to keep going. They same follows for you. She expects great things of your art piece, so make it beautiful.

She is the light that falls on the greens and golds of the world when it hits about 7pm in the Summer. She brings everything to life and shows unexpected beauty. She helps you see things more clearly. She helps you to appreciate everything.

She’s your light.

Con amor,

Emily

And then there's me.

My letter to Him,

I’ve never really been good with beginnings, but i take pride in my middles and ends.

It’s probably the same for our relationship. I tend to overthink things and have to gather a lot of courage for the beginning of things. Much to the frustration of my sister, brother, and mother, who is all gung-ho for me just being open all the time. I’m working on it, believe me.

I’m not the kind of woman who eats something i don’t want to, watch a movie i don’t want to, or read something i don’t want to. I leave restaurants, movie theaters,and put down horrible books. What’s the point? Life is meant to be lived and it isn’t meant to settle for anything less that fantastic.

So know that when i chose you i chose fantastic. Know that i believe that with all that i am. I don’t settle, its something i’ve done in the past and have regretted. I know very quickly what i’m getting myself into, have a little faith that i see things about you that you don’t.

I am a fan of written letters, so expect to get a lot of those throughout our relationship.

I get restless a lot, it’s because there is so much to see and sometimes i get overwhelmed. When i am overwhelmed everything gets really loud and i need to be outside where its calm. Know that you are that for me, it’s not anything you do- it’s just who you are. You ground me and calm me. I understood that importance when i first met you. You just have to be near and a peace settles within me.

I need you to do things with me. I need you to show me that what’s important to me is important to you. It doesn’t mean you have to love it, but show me that you support me. Show me that you love my passions and my heavens, my love will grow for you.

We are going to have a lot of plants in our future home. There is such a beauty in watching a seed become a sunflower. They bring so much peace to my life, caring for them. If we can grow a fern together we can have children. If we can’t, we need to work on some things. Mostly because ferns are super chill plants.

I will make you do embarrassing things with me. You will be pushing me on the grocery cart as i ride down aisles, we will be playing marco polo or using bird noises to communicate in Walmart, we will make dinosaur noises at each other frequently, I will kiss you shamelessly, we will jump in puddles, we will read children books to each other in barnes and nobles, you’ll make me blush a lot when you realize that winking is my weakness. You’ll probably roll your eyes a time or two, but i’m very convincing. Don’t worry, i’ll push you down the aisles too.

My father used to call me a stick in the mud because i hated to try new things. Obviously, that was a long time ago because you well know that I’m in love with trying new things. Did you find a taco stand on your way home from work you want to try? Let’s go. Want to attempt to make curry? Teach me your ways. When i want to do something i make it known, and when you want to do something you better believe i will do all in my power to make it happen. This isn’t one of those relationships where suggestions go to the wayside-we will do it. If we haven’t already, don’t worry- i have a mental list. My father is the one who taught me to buy something new and weird every time i went to the grocery store, and i still carry on that tradition.

My father is my adventure buddy. We would grab redvines, some type of chips, and who knows what weird drink and hit the road. Mostly it was out to Eastern Oregon where we would help my Grandma around the house and then go exploring. Rock Hounding was one of my favorite past times with my dad. Hindsight is 20/20, so i probably complained a lot on these adventures. He taught me to see beauty in rocks that many would overlook. He taught me to find beauty in the simple things and to never stop looking for an adventure. I think i’m restless because of him. When i lived in San Francisco for a Summer i would take my sweet time coming home on the Muni and explore. Some of the best pizza is at a place whose name i can’t remember but i can tell you exactly where it is. Best sandwich is in Oakland because when i ordered the Artichoke Pesto sandwich without Artichoke the owner came out in a huff and with an accent said, “WHO ORDERS AN ARTICHOKE SANDWICH WITHOUT ARTICHOKE?!” but when he saw me he softened and made me laugh. I went there almost every day when i was at work. So lets find our place. Lets grab some redvines and hit the road.

Know that i love you for who you are. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I see far more than you understand, and i just ask that you try at this ridiculous journey that is life. Work with me, and our possibilities will be endless. I don’t want you to ever wonder how much i adore you or how i love the way that your eyes crinkle. Even when you are driving me nuts, i love you. I’m not asking you to be perfect, i’m asking you to walk beside me.

My two love languages are words of affirmation and touch. At the beginning i probably confused the crap out of you because i’m not exactly forthcoming with my feelings. Push through that, i beg of you. Know that i don’t respond because your touch has more than likely caused my brain to short circuit. I need to be held, often. When i’m upset, hold me. When i’m happy, hold me. When i’m confused, hold me. Touch grounds me. And when you rub your thumb on my thumb my heart just about jumps out of my chest. Kiss me often, please. It keeps me sane.

Love God. He will always come before you, and i will never apologize for that. He is the one who has pushed me to you, believe me. He is the one who has fought on your behalf and stopped me from refusing to ever talk to you because you didn’t text me back in a day. He is the one who showed me the truth about the kind of man that you are. He has helped me glimpse into how He see’s you, and its stunning. I love God and will always chase goodness, so chase it with me. I beg of you, never stop chasing it with me.

I need people in my life, its the struggle of being an extrovert. So support me when i decide to have a new family over every Sunday for Sunday dinner so we can get to know and love those around us. I won’t ask you to talk to everyone with me, but love me and support me when i get excited about people.

We are getting a golden retriever, a pitbull, and a dog that looks like a wolf. Don’t argue with me over this.

Take me to the mountains. Even if it’s just a Sunday drive. I need to breathe fresh air, be around you, and listen to music. Let’s explore and see the world.Know that i plan on spending an eternity with you exploring.

Know that our life will be an adventure. Know that i am yours and you are mine. Know that i will never stop fighting for us. Know that i love you, whoever you are. I pray for you daily. I miss you. I will always be yours, always and forever.

With all my love,

A lot can happen in a month. I remember sitting in a pew my first Sunday home, my nerves on edge. {It's just one Sunday, Belshe. You got this. Then you can go to your home ward. They can't say you didn't try.} I kept thinking thoughts like these as i saw a couple people trickle in. A YSA Branch. What in the world had i gotten roped into? I mean, isn't a YSA{Young Single Adult} Ward bad enough?!

This. This is what i got myself roped into.

Can i just testify to you of how aware a loving Heavenly Father is of His children? I had the months before my mission completely planned out! I was going to go to a home ward, maybe be a teacher over small humans, and really get into the Relief Society swing of things with ladies who had lived life. I feel like Heavenly Father probably chuckled at me in that moment, as He usually does when i try and tell him how I have everything planned out and that He can take a break.

He knew that i needed this bunch of hobos in my life. He knew that i needed people my age to relate to and love the crap out of. I adore my YSA Branch and i wouldn't have my path any other way. I am so grateful for the humans i've met and how each of them has added to my story and helped me grow.

ITS BEEN ONE MONTH. It's honestly been one month and i feel like i've grown and found so much joy. The people i've surrounded myself with are honestly some of the best people ever. They are so filled with the Spirit and help me to strive to be the best that i can be. I've been chasing goodness so hard.

I'll be sitting at FHE on monday, Institute on Tuesday, Game Night on Wednesday, Mission Prep on Thursday, or Church on Sunday and have just so many moments of joy. They are all such an example to me and the best mission prep out there. I gain so much from each and every one of them, so shoutout for being prime human beings. We all choose to be a part of something so awesome, and that speaks volumes about how much the Gospel means to each of us. We all love and support our missionaries, our leaders, and each other.

This month has been so vital in my preparation to serve a mission. There have been a lot of little moments as i've shared my past, present, and future aspiration with the people i've surrounded myself with and their insight inspires me. Stories we share inspire me and excite me for the future.

When i moved home and decided to attend the YSA branch it was the beginning of a really important chapter. I think of it as a house.

I had a lot of my house built. Foundation? Check. Walls? Check. Other important things? Check. Except my kitchen. It was just a big empty room when i came home to Oregon. I was excited because it was going to be whatever i made it and i had all of these plans on how to make it the best kitchen ever. Then Heavenly Father left another blueprint on my doorstep and told me i could use that one as well if i wanted to. But it was only part of a blueprint, showing me the counters and a beautiful island that i could cook on and prepare amazing food. It took a lot of faith to set aside my own plans and to start acting on the blueprint He left me. Step by step i kept getting more blue prints for this perfect kitchen. People would stop by and help me paint it, lay down tile, installing overhanging pan holder things, perfecting the backspalsh, making sure the sink worked the way it was supposed to, and staining cabinets. We would share stories as we worked, often helping each other through tumultuous times in our lives. We'd eat tacos and admire the work we had done together. We grew together, so in the end when we finally finished the kitchen I threw a big party. It was then that i understood how many people had touched my life within that short time and helped my dream become a reality. . I'll probably stand in the door frame and just watch as everyone interacts with each other, maybe places a hand on the part they helped me with, and some will smile in my direction. It'll bring a lot of humility and a lot of gratitude as i walk around at talk to everyone. I think that's what the feeling will be like when i finally get my Mission call.

Words cannot describe how much this last month has meant to me. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew exactly where i needed to be and who i needed in my life. I'm thankful for His hand in my life. I'm thankful for the blessings that have been just showering upon my life as I've aligned my path with His. It is not the plan of easiness, but it is the plan of happiness.

I am so stoked to see what the future holds because i know that as long as i'm with Him it's going to be so much more than i could ever hope for.

First off, my current aesthetic,

Alright, now that we have that out of the way we can get to the good stuff. The better stuff, one might say, because that picture is priceless.

I haven't posted in a very long time, forgive me. Life got...lifey, as it often does. The holidays were good to me and my family. Ivy and i took a roadtrip to Oregon over thanksgiving- she's one of my best friends. We hiked almost every day that we were there and explored the waterfalls along the Columbia Gorge. For Christmas i stayed in Utah and bounced around from house to house of friends.

And i spent a lot of my break with Katy's pup, Bella.

This meant a lot of walks, which also meant a lot of time to think. Within those two weeks i had a lot of personal interviews with myself. Was my life going the way that i wanted it to? How was i working on my relationship with Heavenly Father? Were my relationships with the people around me the best that they could be? What was my rough game plan for the upcoming year?

I kept making rough game plans to stay in Utah and continue on with my life as i knew it, but i felt that something was completely off. It was like trying to shove a square peg into a circle one. It was a really frustrating couple of days, let me tell you.

This was what my brain looked like.

Then a thought came to my mind, especially because my family was on my mind. I had missed them a lot over Christmas break!

Why not move home?

As soon as i started to consider the option i felt a blanket of peace settle over my whole being. But why? Why move home and put off my schooling? How would that help me? How would this bring peace to my life and why in the world was this a plan He had for me?

Mission? I laughed a lot at that thought and instantly pushed it out of my head. {I have been fighting Heavenly Father on that thought for a long time.} Problem is, the more i tried not to think about going on a mission, the more it wiggled its way into my thoughts. I guess that's kind of a consequence of living with 5 return missionaries who are really passionate about each of their missions.

I began to make plans to move home, take some time off from school, and save up money to finish my degree. Even when i was leaving i was still toying with the idea of going on a mission, i was about 85% there....but 15% of me was having a hard time with the idea. Not because i didn't want to go, but i was scared.

When i came home i felt so much peace and i felt that i was exactly where i needed to be. Everything made sense and every part of me was filled with strength and comfort. Then i went to the institute near the community college near my home and that first Tuesday i felt that everything the instructor said was specifically for me. I don't remember what was talked about, but i remember the message the Spirit taught to me that night. It was to find out why i wanted to go on a mission, because that would be vital to my actual mission. The Spirit also gave me the boost i needed to push the fear and anxiety out of my life and start acting on my prompting to go on a mission.

So, why? It started with my thoughts on conversion,

My conversion happens every moment of every day. Every day I'm reminded of how good God is to me. Of how blessed I am. The Atonement is so real in my life. But I remember one moment with clarity- rocking on my hammock while looking at the stars. Sammi was going through the Temple for her Endowment and I was thinking about life. I wondered what His plan was for me and I felt very alone. A feeling of understanding flooded me in that moment, that He was aware of me- as His daughter. My Father was listening, so I began to talk. I talked candidly and bore my soul to my loving Father. I explained how hard it had been recently, how sorry I was, and where I wanted to be. I told Him I would do anything to get there. So He asked, are you willing to give up your pride? Will you follow me no matter the cost? My answer was this: I am weary of fighting you, it has brought nothing but heartache. Yes.

Repentance is a salsa, one step forward two steps back. It's a constant progression. Satan would have me believe that as soon as I tripped on my new path that I was done for. Why continue on? It's hard and I can't do it. But I found that I could, I picked myself up and dusted myself off. Some joined me on the path and I was thankful for their Spirits. At moments I stood at a fork in the path with people I loved. I was told to take one path while they decided to take another, and with a heavy heart I took the path I was guided to. I knew the choice was mine, it always has been. He has never forced me to take a path, but simply shown me my choices.

I have felt His hand in my life and known of His goodness. I will chase it every day. I will try my best to do what I can. He loves me. It's as simple and complicated as that. But do I love Him? Enough to sacrifice what is needed as I travel His path? The choices I make each day are not for just this life, they are for the days to come where I will stand in front of Him. Lovingly holding His hand in mine and tracing the marks on His palms and wrists as the tears stream down my face. I will love Him with all that I am. He and my Father. They are all I strive for. That conversion happens every day.

How much do i love my Heavenly Father? Those words echo throughout my thoughts every day as i begin to prepare. I am serving because i love my Father and because i want to share what brings me the most happiness, what has brought my family the most happiness. I want to teach them His Light. Can i tell you how STOKED i am?!

I'll probably need a whole other post for that. I have learned a lot within the last month and i have had my faith stretched in a lot of uncomfortable ways. Was it worth it? Completely. I uprooted my entire life and started new, headed in the direction that i know without a doubt is the direction that my Heavenly Father has for me. I have been blessed beyond reason. I have learned to trust Him with all that i am and to jump. So, here i am, jumping in the name of chasing goodness.

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